Breaking: Appointment of New Bishop Could Signal Major Adjustments to the Golden Jubilee

With a different bishop will come a different style. New reports suggest that the Rt Rev. Richard Moth, who is leaving the Bishopric of the Forces to become the new Bishop of Arundel and Brighton, could signal significant changes to the AMEX stadium-based Golden Jubilee of the Diocese of Arundel and Brighton.

A newly appointed committee for the activities to be promoted during the Golden Jubilee have reportedly been asked to 'push the boundaries of ecclesiastical celebrations'. Guest speakers already invited are to be kept, but new speakers are also expected to be invited as the event takes on a more masculine, or even militaristic tone. It is thought that the new Bishop will want to distance himself from the original plans drawn up under the disgraced Bishop Kieran Conry and 'beef the event up' a little, promoting a more manly Diocese with strong and firm leadership from the top with deaneries set to be disbanded and parishes set to be merged into 'batallions'.

While the Archbishop of Canterbury will still be able to wax lyrical about his views on Christianity and Fr Timothy Radcliffe will be able to impress upon his audience some very private understandings of Christian morality, the Orthodox Church are to be represented by the man who's finger is always hovering over the red button, Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Putin, whose absence from public life recently promoted major news outlets around the world to issue 'Where's Putin?' cartoons, in which readers had to find Vladimir Putin in a crowd of figures wearing similar clothing, is set to be a big name booked for the mega Church celebration.

Ecumenical gesture: Vladimir Putin

It is expected that Vladimir Putin will enter the AMEX stadium from above, parachuting out of a Russian Bear fighter jet, with a live Russian bear and, having wrestled with the bear in mid-air, will continue the wrestling competition on the football pitch, before dusting himself down and giving an ecumenical talk on the powerful intercession of the Mother of God that he experienced while venerating the belt of the the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Cast out from the BBC for striking a colleague across the face for gross culinary negligence - and therefore one who can now be sought on the 'peripheries', the former Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson is said to be under consideration as a public figure who could speak ably on God, cars, driving, aggression and manliness. His talk will be entitled, "When I drive the new Ultima 1020bhp supercar, I begin to understand what it must be like to be God."

Clarkson: The only man left at BBC before his sacking

In order to promote masculinity within the Diocese as part of a new emphasis from the former Bishopric of the Forces, in a one-off mass gun licensing event, each Catholic who attends the AMEX event will be issue with a shooting rifle. Ten thousand grey collared doves will be released from a bulging net in the centre of the football pitch before those in attendance will be able to ready, aim and fire, a pastoral event that could see anything between 5,000 to 9,000 doves fall from the sky onto the turf below. The clean up operation from this event alone is expected to exceed the Diocese's initial six figure budget dramatically. Following this, children will be invited to play the traditional English village fete game, 'Whack a Rat', but with a twist to cultivate children's desire to hunt God's creatures and if necessary, to kill wild animals, as live rats are used and children learn to 'splat a rat'. A hundred ferrets have been ordered should the AMEX event run out of rats. Animal rights campaigners are concerned but as yet no moves have been made to curtail the programme's broad ambitions.

The multi-cultural nature of the city by the sea and Sussex and Surrrey's multi-ethnic communities will be served by various forms of hunting events during the day. A large, see-through container housing a variety of whales will be visible at the back of the stadium where Japanese Catholics will hunt with spears, making this family friendly day out an exciting event that will see clear water turn red with the spoils of sport, while the Filipino community will be entertained by cock-fighting. The Spanish community will be entranced by bull-fighting and anybody who complains about the nature of the event will be court-marshalled and, if necessary, taken outside and shot, after a short, but entirely just - and impartial - military trial.

The entertainment, having wowed a bloodied and thrilled congregation with renewed interest in various bloodsports, will end when the new Bishop will ride into the stadium upon a stallion, chasing a skulk of foxes before saying, 'Tally-ho! Before this Mass let us turn to the Lord and ask His mercy for those times when we have failed to live up to our baptismal promises, as we say, 'Lord, you were sent to heal the contrite. Lord, have mercy...' as Mass begins. It is thought and hoped that in the wake of this unique Church day out, all memory of the tenure of Bishop Kieran Conry will be quickly forgotten and the Diocese of Arundel and Brighton will experience the comradeship and the excitement of a newly energised Catholic community. The event may also serve, unintentionally of course, to distract attention within the Catholic community from the upcoming Most Appallingly Disastrous Synod in the History of the Church. TM